something like an answer (para_success) wrote in trans_psych,
something like an answer

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The recent questions about issues having to do with mental imbalances and the process of transition made me wonder- what do ya'll think about how such disorders affect or have affected your awareness of being trans, or even gender variant in some way?
I have some sort of bipolar disorder, atypical and mostly mixed states/rapid cycling/horrible depression... that's not terribly important, just more information. While I knew a long time ago that I was something else, and mostly just thought of myself as genderqueer/androgynous, I have spent the past couple years being a little tormented by and starting to understand feeling like a guy and my need to act on that (this is all a long-winded way of saying I'm trans and it took me until 22 or so to start thinking about that possibility in a serious way). Much of my time as a teenager was spent being all over the chart, mentally, and dealing with things related to bipolarity. Although I had an inkling of having that disorder, and therapists always discussed the possibility with me and suggested medication, I was very resistant to believing and accepting that I am indeed bipolar until recently. I started taking meds within the past year, and they actually help. I have also been thinking a lot about why I did not know, or was not able to figure out earlier in my life, about the depth of my sense of myself as male and the need and possibility of transitioning. I wonder how much of it is related to having such an uneven development and bad sense of reality, at many points.
The other interesting thing, to me, is that I'm processing the reality of being trans the same way I dealt with the reality of being bipolar- I think it's something I should be able to control, I try to pretend I'm just creating things that aren't true, I strongly resist believing that something is true even when my instinct is telling me that it absolutely is, and I eventually start to accept the actuality, after having some concrete evidence (like enough time spent being depressed, or people noticing when I get all crazy and manic or weird in other ways, or changing my clothing choices and presentation in ways that have made me very happy).
That's the thought behind my general question... I tend to be very wordy when discussing things that make me nervous.
By the way, hi. I've been observing for awhile, just starting to come out of my shell and want to talk.
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