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Tuesday, December 5th, 2006

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i was on lexapro and buspar. and had zero sex drive. went back to the free clinic to bring this up. that and the fact everytime i started a job i would have a panic attack and leave. the doctor took me off buspar and upped my lexapro. and put me back on klonopin which i haven't been in a year. this not being able to work for long periods of time has been on and off for 7 years. there have been slacker jobs i have worked 6 months, 1 year and 2 years. lots of in between. the doc told me i have a panic disorder (i was thinking yeah no shit}. the klonopin has helped a lot. i haven't freaked out in a couple of weeks. and whenever i feel very edgey or anxious i pop a pill. i finally have an appt. with a psychtriast in jan. thank god. i think i am going to look into getting SSI. right now i am freaking out about xmas and money. i am unemployed and my gf is paying for everything. it sucks and i feel like shit that i haven't been helping. i registered with a temp agency today and checked a few places to see if they were hiring. unfortuntely, most companies already have their xmas help and don't need anymore people.
oh and my sex drive came back with quick a swing once i got off that damn buspar. right now i am just trying to sell some stuff. without having much luck. my only idea for chest surgery since my credit is shit is to go to car auctions and use my income tax return to buy a cheap car. at these auctions, they have to tell you what's wrong with the car. and i tend to run into a lot of people selling dirt cheap cars. maybe i get to the point where i could mostly pay for surgery in full.
for people with panic disorder and maybe anxiety? when i went to see my doctor he told me i was one of these people with high adrenline anyway. someone that always has to be doing something, planning something, executing, helping somebody else out, cleaning, running errands, etc. basically never sitting still. and he said at some point i crossed that with panic. which makes me think back to 2001. 9/11 happened. a week later i got in a horrible car accident and my truck was totalled. i actually thought i was dead when everything went black. then i flew to arizona to live my grandfather for a new start. he lived one hour from phoenix and one hour from tucson in a small town. my best friend came with me. we were mugged, threatened, following all the CNN jazz after 9/11, and our house was robbed eventually. this was all from sept. 11, 2001 to jan. 15, 2002. no wonder.

but MY POINT is he told me that thing in your brain sticks out when i have a panic attack. like the "fight or flight" theory. and gave me klonopin to calm down. and told me the best job i can have is one where i am constantly doing something. and not just either sitting at a computer or standing around. and exercise. not matter what that i should do something just to get my heart rate up to wear i am breathing fast. i've been getting exercise equipment off freecycle. more on fight or flight and how your body reacts:


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